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Scene from "Terrestrials"

Comments on Scene from "Terrestrials"

b.mellow
pure

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Joined: May 08, 2005

Total Topics: 16
Total Comments: 199
Posted 02/27/08 - 12:04 AM:
Subject: Scene from "Terrestrials"
Terrestrials is a comic book I'm working on. I just finished this little scene for a submission and I think it's kinda cool.

To set it up, the basic idea is that two twin brothers were separated at the age of five by an alien abduction. One lives with aliens his whole life, learning their culture and persective on the world, the other is left on present day Earth where he eventually becomes a schizophrenic and alcoholic, who is wanted for the "Black Woods" murders. Brody (the abducted child) returns to Earth 25 years later, stunned by his brother's condition but wanting to help. Police try to arrest Cody (the drunken brother) and in the ensuing chaos he kills two cops to escape. With a manhunt underway for not only a suspected serial murderer but a proven cop killer, Brody, his identical twin except for a shaved head and an injured hand (long story) is quickly found using Cody's ID card trying to gain access to a federal prison to speak with an inmate there. The scene picks up from here .. enjoy. And tell me what you think. All criticisms and critiques welcomed.

PAGE ONE: (seven panels)

Panel 1. Establishing shot of police station, at night, police cars parked along side it.

CAP:
“We got you Cody. You’re a dead man.”

Panel 2. Shot with Brody sitting in a chair, his head down and shoulders sloped like he’s tired and beaten, the outlines/silhouettes of three other people in the room with their backs to the camera looking down on him. Room is very plain, like an interrogation room except no two-way mirrors, only one window and that’s in the door but the shades are drawn, just old walls with cracks in it and a cheap lighting structure overhead hat gives off cool and eerie shadows throughout the scene.

BRODY:
You have me mistaken. My name is Brody Jones. Cody is my brother.

Panel 3. Shot looking up of the three men in the room with Brody. A young skinny deputy officer is on the left, his expression tightlipped and wide-eyed, his thumbs tucked into his waistband. In front is the Sheriff, big cowboy hat and proudly displaying his belt buckle, his hands squarely on his hips – both him and the deputy have guns in their hip holsters. On the right is a lawyer type, scrawny, neat little haircut, dressed in a button-up with a tie and slacks, half-sitting against a table moved to the corner of the room, maybe a briefcase on the table or in his hand, but not necessary. Along the very bottom of panel is the silhouette of Brody’s bald head and slouching shoulders looking up at them.

SHERIFF:
Cody. Brody. Alien abductions. Twins separated at birth. Tell me, really … do we look stupid to you?

LAWYER:
As your legal council, Cody, I advise you not to answer that.

Panel 4. Close up of the Sheriff’s face. He is visibly annoyed and about to lecture.

SHERIFF:
Whatever. I’ll play along. You’re not Cody, you’re Brody. But you used his ID to gain access into a government facility. That’s a federal offense punishable by up to ten years in federal prison. We got you either way. But I ain’t buying it. You’re a murdering cop killing piece of crap and we got you, you little punk.

Panel 5. Close up of Brody, also visibly annoyed, looking up through the tops of his eyelids at them.

BRODY:
Look at my head. You just had Cody under arrest earlier today. Was he bald?

Panel 6. Sheriff shrugging, dismissing the notion.

SHERIFF:
So you shaved. Takes five minutes.

Panel 7. Brody, exasperated, pleading, holding up his two hands, cuffed together, one is well bandaged with red blood stains seeped through. He’s holding up the bandaged hand (his right) with his left, putting it on display as evidence.

BRODY:
Look at my hand! Was Cody’s hand injured? Was he bandaged?!


PAGE TWO: (seven panels)

Panel 1. Shot of Sheriff leaning over, getting to eye level of Brody, a determined and angry look on his face. With one hand he’s taking hold of Brody’s bandaged hand by the wrist while his other hand is reaching back and resting on the butt of his revolver.

SHERIFF:
Listen, you little shit. I don’t know what’s under that bandage. Could be something. Could be nothing. Could be an injury sustained earlier today during your shooting spree where you killed two cops! Officers who were my friends!

Panel 2. Shot of Sheriff, screaming, his face angry and red now, propping Brody’s hand up in the air and bringing his revolver out, holding it like a hammer.

SHERIFF:
So I don’t give a crap what’s under this bandage –

Panel 3. Shot of Sheriff bringing the gun down like a hammer and smashing Brody’s hand. In my head I picture the narrative with the actual striking left between panels, with only a shot of the Sheriff swinging the hammer behind him, gearing for another strike, maybe some blood squirting up and a shadow of Brody, cringing, in the background along the wall, fingers all twisted and broken. It’s all up to the artists discretion and how they can best display the action.

SHERIFF:
-- and I don’t want to hear about your God-damned hand!!

Panel 4. One more shot similar to last, except with no dialogue, to emphasize the excessiveness of the attack.

Panel 5. Panel pulled back, overlooking everything, with Brody’s arms clenched together tucked into his stomach and head down in agonizing pain; the Sheriff standing over him, brooding, heaving; both the lawyer and deputy jolted from their relaxed standing positions.

Panel 6. Shot of Sheriff, perspective tilted slightly up as if from Brody’s eye level. Sheriff is composing himself: he has taken his cowboy hat off and is smoothing his hair back with the hand still holding the gun. The deputy on the left is glancing over at the lawyer with concern and surprise in his eyes but the lawyer’s head is down and he’s looking away, down at the floor

SHERIFF:
Listen. This is a small town. This is a good town. They’re not gonna listen about shaved heads and bandaged hands. And they sure ain’t gonna listen bout no alien abduction. They’re gonna want conviction.

Panel 7. Close up of the side of Brody’s face, still in agonizing pain, teeth clenched, eyes squeezed shut, still hunched forward over his battered hand.

SHERIFF (OP):
You’re looking at at least two counts of second degree murder, each carrying a minimum sentence of forty years, but they’ll push for the death penalty. And get it.


PAGE THREE: (seven panels)

Panel 1. Shot of Sheriff, still preaching. The Lawyer on right side of panel looking on, interested now that the subject is legal business.

SHERIFF:
You’ll spend twenty years in maximum security having a nightly train run on you by the biggest dicks in the ward under the watchful eye of security guards who were the bowling buddies of the officers you killed. Then, God willing, you’ll be humanely executed and buried next to your poor bastard of a brother.

Panel 2. Same panel, except focusing more on lawyer.

LAWYER:
Or -- you confess to the Black Woods murders. Death penalty will be taken off the table. You’ll spend fifty years in prison instead of twenty. But probably still getting the train.

Panel 3. Shot of Brody, glancing up, his face contorted with pain and anger. The whites of his eyes a burning contrast to the rest of his face, which is either shadowed or just steaming with anger.

Panel 4. Same angle, but Brody is looking back down, still visibly in pain but focusing, as if to lessen the effects of it on his consciousness, like meditation.

BRODY:
You know, the hardest thing to get used to on this planet is the social patterns.

Panel 5. Shot looking down at everybody.

BRODY:
You all have different stances on me. Different perspectives on who I am, why I’m here or what should be done with me. Even now, me just bringing it up …

Panel 5. Close up of Brody’s eyes, lifted to look at the lawyer.

BRODY:
… brings a tension in the air.

Panel 6. Shot of lawyer, close up, visibly frowning, mentally dismissing whatever reasoning Brody is attempting.

BRODY:
You’re putting up your defenses.

Panel 7. Shot looking slightly upwards at Brody, who is straightening his back so he’s not crouched over his hand but his head still down, still in some pain, slowly opening back up his mangled hand, his legs still crossed at the ankles underneath him.

BRODY:
You see, that doesn’t happen with the grey race. Or when it does it’s much different, more much magnified. Because so much of their physiology is based on mind waves, mental projections, that the synthesis of those waves is the basis for their entire hierarchical structure.


PAGE FOUR: (eight panels)

Panel 1. Another shot of Brody, sitting there, looking down, telling his story and in his own little world.

BRODY:
Just as the creatures of old, driven purely by biological needs, were led by the strong. And you animals of today, driven by social desire, are consumed by celebrity. Theirs is all about wavelengths.

Panel 2. Closer shot, he’s looking up now, straight ahead at the Sheriff, determination in his eyes.

BRODY:
Their mind waves contain a vibrancy that is palpable in the air. That’s why you could never hold one against its will inside a small room, like this. And intimidate it, like you’re doing with me. The space needed for its psyche would be too much. It’d be like a caged animal.

Panel 3. Shot looking up at Sheriff from perspective of Brody, looking irritated and challenged but staring right back, not backing down.

BRODY (OP):
Something bad would happen.

Panel 4. Shot of Brody again, from slightly further away, but still the only one in the panel. He’s shooting a glance to the left, panel right, towards the deputy.

BRODY:
So it’s all about taking control and making a cohesion of those mental waves. That’s why there’re so few disputes. Everybody gets along. It’s a flock-like mentality.

Panel 5. Shot of the Deputy looking on with a confused expression like he has no idea what’s going on.

BRODY (OP):
But there are times when the big dogs collide. Their opposing brain waves are too strong, bouncing around, entangled for supremacy.

Panel 6. Shot of Brody, sitting back in his chair, completely relaxed, with a defiant and confident air, his knees spread wide, staring up at the Sheriff.

BRODY:
So if there’s a dispute, they don’t fight it out or even talk about it. They just stare each other down until the air is crackling and their heads burn with fire and finally their minds lash forward colliding head-to-head and like two charging rams –

Panel 7. A close up of Brody’s hands, the fist of his left hand banging into the palm of his bandaged one.

BRODY:
-- BAM!

Panel 8. Real close up shot of Sheriff’s face, leaning back a little bit, startled, a hint of fear in his eyes.


PAGE FIVE: (five panels)

Panel 1. Big shot from back behind Brody looking over the entire room with Brody in the foreground, sitting back, relaxed, in complete control, looking up at the Sheriff, who is looking miserably down at him, his eyes big with concern. He’s starting to sweat. Both the lawyer and deputy are staring at Brody, the lawyer with an expression of bewilderment, and the deputy completely lost, like he’s transfixed and watching everything from a million miles away.

BRODY:
And one walks. And one breaks.

Panel 3. Shot from the side of the Sheriff’s face, him turning red and beads of sweat dripping down his temple, with the lawyer in the background, both looking down at Brody with exasperated looks, still not knowing what the hell’s going on, but standing still, like they’re listening, and waiting, for something big, like an explosion.

BRODY (OP):
One …

Panel 4. Close up shot of Brody, his head lowered, looking at the floor, letting his words sink in.

BRODY:
… breaks.

Panel 5. Big shot staring straight on of Sheriff in center of panel with the deputy’s arm reaching in from off panel-left, pointing a gun at his head. Sheriff is surprised.

SFX:
CLICK


PAGE SIX: (five panels)

Panel 1. Shot of Sheriff, with his hands up, looking pissed, flicking his eyes back, his teeth clenched. Behind him we see clearly it is the deputy pointing a gun at his head, looking completely serious, his brow low and shadows very dark over his eyes.

SHERIFF:
James – what --

Panel 2. Shot from behind the Sheriff and over his shoulder, with Brody standing up and facing him directly.

BRODY:
Friction in the air illuminates mental frequencies. I found a weak strand. I pounced. You call it hypnotism.

Panel 3. Shot from the side of Brody reaching down taking the Sheriff’s pistol from its holster and the keys to the handcuffs. The lawyer in the background is horrified, his eyes huge and his mouth gaped open. His hands are also up.

BRODY:
Don’t worry about him. He’ll be fine. Just have a slight headache tomorrow.

Panel 4. Brody with a slight smile like he’s enjoying this even though it’s all business, pointing the gun at the lawyer. In his same hand the handcuffs, now freed from his wrists, are dangling and with his other hand he has reached back and took the cowboy hat off the Sheriff’s head and is bringing it up to put on his own. In the background the deputy is emphatically pointing the gun into the Sheriff’s face, forcing him to sit down where Brody just was. The Sheriff is not pleased, staring up angrily at Brody, but cooperating, his hands still up.

BRODY:
You. Come here.

Panel 5. Big shot of Brody and James the Deputy exiting the room and into a hallway. James leads the way, both walking hurriedly and suspiciously, their guns in their holsters but their hands nearby, ready to draw, Brody wearing the Sheriff’s hat and shirt and holster. In the open doorway we see the Sheriff and lawyer handcuffed to each other around the chair. On the door is a sign that reads: “Warning: This Door Locks Automatically.”
davidwayne
New

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Joined: May 28, 2007
Location: Detroit, MI

Total Topics: 18
Total Comments: 5
Posted 02/27/08 - 5:42 AM:

Very creative sci-fi story line and character names, and also positioning of scenes. Full of suspense, tension, and drama. A real winner.
It left me hanging with anticipation, wondering what will happen next!
b.mellow
pure

Usergroup: Moderators
Joined: May 08, 2005

Total Topics: 16
Total Comments: 199
Posted 02/28/08 - 8:30 AM:

Thank you Davidwayne!
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