Comments on The Night Out, The Journey On.
Joined: Nov 11, 2007
Location: UK *up north somewhere*
Total Topics: 63
Total Comments: 195
Posted 01/31/08 - 6:16 PM:
Subject: The Night Out, The Journey On.
The Night Out, the Journey On.
Trouble wiv Shaza is that she never knows when to stop. We're down the Metrodome, right, and we'd been on the booze since lunch and she's just acting like she dosen't give a shit like. I'm pretty bad but she's just fucking mad is Shaza. It must be about eleven and, well, she's flinging 'erself about and I'm just like staring at the lights listenin' to this stupid song 'she's a man eater' with this bit init where you just wanna fucking go nuts right, you know, make some bloke feel all self-conscious like by bending down in front of 'im and waggling your bottom, all sensual like. That's what she's been doin' all night, besides getting off wiv anything that can walk. I 'aven't, promised me man I'd leave off it, caught me at it once, came in with 'is mates and I wos wiv this big black fellow and I woz about to find out if the rumours woz true when Dave the genius flew out of the sky like Spiderman. Well Dave saw the worst of it in the end but when we got owm we sort of made up, well in fact ee woz better un usual it seemed to turn 'im on or something.
I sometimes wonder about my life, wonder whether it's going somewhere or whether I'll end up like me muver; she's working the same job she 'ad since she left school, shacked up wiv some bloke but they're always 'aving a go at each other and she 'ardly seems that interested in the world around 'er; i mean at least i can sit through nature programmes or the nine oclock news she'll pick up the latest shitty magazine unless the news is about a Panda bear 'aving babies or something 'orrible like a car cash. She luvs them, like 'er man. EE is a living car crash 'imself.
Anyow we're in this club and these students come in it looked like; you know all clean sweet looking faces and they got that look, what's the word, 'ironic' that's it; 'ironic'. Fucking irony. We'll cum to this dumb working class nightclub and study the locals they must 'ave been thinking. Well Shaza usually 'as a predictable sort of bloke she goes for, you know, muscles and .... well that's it really. If not muscles then just as long as there'e summut that's ard!! Well, one of those students 'as taken something, you can tell, is eyes are all staring everywhere like ees on a different planet or sumat and ees doin' all these strange 'and movements. I remember exactly wot ee said to me.
'You know what I consider existence to be?' That's wot ee said.
'Oh really?' I said, 'Wot's that then?'
''Tis like a long bus ride,' he said, 'lot's of unsatisfactory halting and with the illusion of 'getting somewhere you wanted to go', people grumbling all the time, no bloody real control and the destination unfortunately bleeding obvious all along.'
'If you say so.' I answered 'im.
Didn't know wot ee woz goin' on about really, well at first, but then i thought maybe we woz thinking similar sorts of things, only 'im earlier than I could of coz I never went to university, ee must uv been only about nineteen and I'm nearly thirty. Anyow ee woz soon on the dancefloor with Shaza and she 'ad some knowledge inside 'er fur a short time at least. It soon left 'er for the early bus, that's ot she said. They'd gone back to 'er place and ee woke 'er up in the morning and said,
"I'm sorry Sharon, that's your name isn't? Yes, I really have to get the bus, I've somewhere I have to be. I had a nice time and all that....'
Joined: Apr 16, 2005
Location: San Francisco
Total Topics: 425
Total Comments: 4673
Posted 01/31/08 - 9:49 PM:
i dig it. it does a great job of creating empathy for the narrator while using the bus analogy to fractal the scenario out into a bigger (transcendent) picture. it makes me feel that the narrator is traveling the path of that transcendent curve, which is an optimistic feeling.
one question it raises in my mind, though: it makes me wonder what significance that last quote has to the narrator in particular, such that she would end the story on that note. i can understand why you, the writer, would end it there, but i found it a little abrupt in the sense that i had all along felt very much "in the head" of the narrator, following her thought processes and feeling that they made perfect sense given the nature of her character - until i reached that last line and wondered to myself "why would she say that?" or "what does she find significant in bringing that up?" i guess what i'm trying to say is that it feels like it forces me out of her head and into yours; it feels like an unexpected shift in POV and it was a little disconcerting. this would be my only criticism. overall, i'd say it's my favorite short story so far of yours.