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Multi-cells Evolution. A Comedy.

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Avatar Nexus
Posted 01/10/08 - 6:58 PM:
Subject: Multi-cells Evolution. A Comedy.
Multi-cells Evolution. A Comedy.

There was this one celled creature that, through the random interactions of chemicals in the complex molecular soup that surrounded it, suddenly found itself dividing into two. Well, having been single for so long the cell was feeling all kinds of expectations and dreads surrounding this all new life outside the world of singles......indeed it was wondering whether it would be any kind of life at all.Well anyway, one Friday night it found itself separating and soon there were two. Well cell one didn't like the fact that his (or her?) partner looked exactly the same so there began a process of genetic mutation. It was all about making ones partner more attractive; they were sick of those Friday nights in the primordial swamp with a mirror image, nothing but hydrogen molecules to feed on, dodgy lighting, and in the end there was no bloody sex!!! Well after another hundred million years or so the swamp disco was full of whirling multi celled creatures jigging, zig zagging the the preliminary movements which would later be known as life. Our hero was now a multicellular creature with ruidementary systems for locating itself in space and seeking out basic molecular compounds (you know the feeling, Friday nights, too much Tequila). All the time mutation had been going on and one day he or she happened to accidentally grind against another he or she, although nothing like pleasure was registered and it was prolonged about as long as the average Tequila fueled encounter in a human. Something major had happened. One of them filled out and split up. Our hero was now a happy father or mother and the whirling disco around them began to bounce to another more profound beat. Soon he or she would be getting it every Friday night or maybe more and with sense organs and perhaps fore play!

Life in the swamp was getting a bore. There were now sexes so there had to be more room. Our hero was looking to do some pretty fast mutation in order to get a bit more space for the kids and the other half. Another few million years and our hero's movements took on a new wiggle and new protusions protuded providing ever new means to conquer the space around. One day the whole swamp disco was washed somehow into the big wide ocean and Mr and Mrs multicelllular started to shit themselves the only way a couple can in a dicey neighbourhood with little ones to look after. It was so dark out there so dark; but still they danced, danced to lifes tune without bounds on they went shagging and feeding and breeding despite all.

Out in the blue sea, the endless sea. godless and unforbidding did the multicellular creatures go. Ma, Pa and the little one shuffled within their local environment still without significant sense organs for the narrator to attribute any kind of emotion. Soon, somehow, they came upon early forms of sea weed and plancton. Yes (although the narrator has not consulted his life on earth encyclopedia) plantlife had begun to take hold on the slightly less bue and green planet (as seen from space). Although these early forms of life had no intelligence as we know it Walt Disney would not see things in those terms. It is Walt Disney from here on who watches over the proceedings:

' Hello, we're the sea weed life forms. We've only been around for about thirty million, this Ocean is real big and real lonely.' said one clump of seweed.

'Hell you talk about lonely.' Replied Multi. 'I've been suspended in various states of cellular and pre-reproductive form for well over one hundred million years and I've only just got laid..'

'Yes I can see that, she's not bad. We haven't developed such activiity, how interesting..' Sea-weed said, resting its seaweed extension on the Disney typical bar top as found in primordial Ocean settings. ' You know, I think this type of action might really take off. I see a smaller multi-cell organism there, I bet it was a product of primitive sexual activity without sensual activation in some kind of dense swamp soup located near this Ocean of ours?'

'Sweet Jesus, you are on the ball' said our hero in shock, 'You've been doing your homework. Little one here is a newly emergent organism within a whole new configeration of life here on earth. It's called sexual reproduction and I reckon it will some day be the real deal.'

'Maybe, but you know, mere expansion itself has something to be said for it, and we've been hanging out here for millions of years catching rays and we reckon it's the bees knees.'

'You may welll feel that but you don't know what's gonna go down soon you weedy boring piece of plant life extension, you evolutionary dead end...'

It was here multi cell broke out in to song..

The Reproduction Song

'Oh I was once a bit of nothing
Without a song to sing
I'd hang around all day,
Never feeling gay

Then something kinda strange
Altered my mutation range
Then I had a kid
I wanted to be a new kind of organism'


'It's all very well when
You don't hear see or smell
Yet something deep down
Wants to go out on the town

yeah, you re feelin kinda dumb
So add something on it is just a crazy dream
One day we ll be conscious, oh, one day we will dream
One day we ll be conscious, though its just a crazy dream...

Verse II

Back in the sad old swamp
I couldn t find myself
It was boring and it stunk
It was no good for my health

But one millenia I saw
Something coming on
It wasn t such a bore
But a real mutation

Those seas were so empty; emptier than a vast nightclub after the rumour that a guy on the dance floor with a large rucksack had been pressing a button whilst holding something wired up in his hand, only to release smoke and confusion. Much emptier than that in fact. Ah the human scale. Not even dreamt of back in those days. In the shallow depths, close to the shore, the microscopic jostling of multi-cellular organisms in areas of relative shelter had continued on for million upon million of our years. The great great (to the power 1000000000) granchildren, grandnephews and grand neices of our hero had been clashing dividing and generally doing very little else for a very long time. By now there is something emerging the size of your average bug, moving suspiciously like a spastic fish.

More millions and then more and the fish had grown, diversified; think back to the fossils of the ugly looking mothers that could still be said to resemble the cute little things that benignly float around fish tanks today. More millions and after great hoards and varieties have ventured out to begin the process of populating the empty expanses our hero again emerges in the guise of a cheeky and adventurous organism who is piss bored of the water. Cue Disney speech and reintroduce the sea weed.

'So, you don't like the sea?' said Seaweed, a little uppity..

'Nah,' said multi -cell in a moody, James Dean style slur. 'It never did me no good. They say its all there is but there has gotta be somein' better, I keep getting these dreams, so intense, I'm not swimming no more, not buried under these layers of watery weight..'

'Dreams, hey, what kinda dreams?' Seaweed raised his seaweed eye brow and gazed humourlessly into the darkening depths.

'I ain't flapping aound no more, I move all different see..' Multi cell jiggled its body in a pathetic bid to describe another kind of movement. ' There's something under me and I breath all different, the water has changed place with something else.'

'Ha ha ha' went Sea weed. 'Water's all there is and all there ever will be, it's big and blue and boring as hell but its all we're good for son, get used to it!'

'Just you see Seaweed!' Cried Multi cell. 'One day you'll eat your words, and I'll know different!'

It was then our hero broke into song.

Answer my dreams up there

Sick of swallowing this salty brew
Tired of sucking up plancton,
I made a jump a few years ago,
I haven't come here for nothin'

I'm riding a wave
Millions of years in comin'
I've been working real hard
Not like sea weed slumin'


Answer my dreams up there
That thing that gleams from somewhere
I know I won't be here for ever
Soon you'll let go of my tether

Answer my dreams up there
You shinning great ball from the ether
I know I'm riding real lonely
But I'm for real no dumb phoney

Verse II

The swamp it just a memory now
Back then I just hung around
Out here I'm always searching anew
Lost and alone in this salty brew

It was real hard going at first
This life just felt like a curse
Yet now I've got a dream in my heart
It's time for a whole new start

Multicell was in fine fishy form, but it wasn't working. Something in his dreams was sending messages, sending messages. Our hero floated down, lower and lower, through millennia and sea depth to finally settle on the bottom. Down there were the coral.

'What you doin down here man?" Cried the Coral rather put out after four hundred million years of solitary life.

'Who said you ruled the oceans? I'm getting my kicks, I'm onto a new thing. It's called mutation..'

'Whatever.. hey you more ugly than me kid." Coral looked over our hero's outer shell. Over those millions of years in the ocean he'd started to out grow the fish form, a shell had started to form about the softer regions, the gills and tail now looking claw like awaiting groping life on the ocean bottom.

'I'm gonna check out life down here for a while. You know those kids up top said there was no bottom. Well I showed them. They aren't going anywhere; why the'll be dumbly fishing around in shoals forever. I had this dream about this scary looking shit the other day; top of the food chain, huge. Don't see um yet but I reckon thats the way they're goin. Cold predators, cold blood.'

'Well kid, what are you gonna do.'?'

'It may take a while but some day I'm gonna get out of the ocean completely..'

'Tell you what;' replied Coral. 'I reckon the only way you gonna hear sense is if I sing you a little song.'

'Yeah?' said Multi getting angry. 'Well I can do that too; howabout a duet?'

'Why not?' Coral replied getting more jolly. 'Gets lonely down here all day long..'

Nothing But The Blue Kid


There's nothing but the blue
It may make you blue son,
But you were meant to be you
You're just into the deep blue


I know your kind and I know my mind
There is more than the blue
More than me and you
The blue oh the blue the deep blue

CHORUS (together)

I was born in the blue
Its my home its all I knew
People come knockin' wanting out
But I never saw an out
(no never saw an out)

Crazy folk born in the blue
Like me and you kid, me and you
Come knockin' down the door wantin out
But we never saw an out



I done all God told me to
Brought up the kids, filled my niche
Sometimes down here
Life is no peach, no peach


Done all the neighbours did
Went a roaming, played with the kid
Sometimes its not enough
Oh life can be rough, real rough

Again time, a concept with meaning only for us, passed by. Deserts of vast eternity; multicell thrived. No light reached the dim depths, there was only the intermitant flashing of other mutating forms, their chemical bodies signaling in a language as simple as 'come fuck me' or 'don't eat me'; if only life were so simple ! Well then it was. Of course Multi was not alone and had brought the familly, friends of the family, other family, hanger-ons and more minute creatures which were attached to its organs, Amongst the coral and rocks, the luminous glow of still molten volcanic bubblings. Things past, alteration upon alteration. It turned out a hard exoskeleton and protruding claws meant you fared well on the bottom, the pressure, oh the pressure. One had to develop a hard shell. Some did the old trick of retreating right into a shell like librarians and internet addicts do today. From such a place one would only need to wait until something smaller hovered in interest before your door and,hey presto, it's dinner time. Simple solutions, obstacles jumped, novel new patterns the endless explorative finger of evolutionary adaption. Where was it all going?

Was anyone to know? Of course not, there was nobody to know. Yet in our wonder we have created a hero and given him human qualities and a singing voice as if we could fill the vast eons, personify the depths. Why not? It's better than the Discovery channel.

Multi wasn't having any of this settling down and retreating into the shell. With his new armour and scurryng claws he and his kind found they became the mobile ones ever advancing to new territory, ever discovering a new niche. The depths got shallower, warmer, the great globe that had been forgotten again awakened them each morning. By now sea life had broadened to a dizzying of forms, veritable cities of life. At last they found Jelly fish city, it was said from here another world could be found, somewhere beyond the sea....

''I'm Jell, swell to met you!' said a jellyfish

'We're just passing through, you sure are a funny looking fellow.' Replied Multi.

'Yes, we are actually quite advanced forms and have developed elementary forms of communication but some say we are spineless.'

'I can see that but I won't hold it against you.' Replied Multi. 'I don't have a back bone as such, but that's all future talk. You must have been having dreams like me?'

'Dreams, pink and floating on waves of inspiration. I see form and then form enlarging, sketching, painting broad canvasses all for the sake of exploration of form's potential. Kind of pointless it seems, a little like getting all dressed up even though the prom's been cancelled.' Jell was clearly more intelligent and artistically inclined than the other organisms Multi had encountered.

'Some would say the actual prom was equally meaningless.' Said Multi, who had now gained considerable skills in irony.

'Ha ha ha, thats good. You mean geaks who aren't into sport?' Quized Jell.

'We're getting lost in metaphor here. Look I and my kind have come a long way. Like you, I have evolved from a single cell organism and have developed progressively more complex demands whilst interacting with my environment...' Multi now looked extremely serious, like a physics lecturer at full pitch describing black holes.

'Wow I've never looked at it that way. To be straight, I think we Jelly fish lack a sense of history, in the evolutionary sense. We just sort of float around signalling each other all day long.' Jell looked at Multi slightly vacantly, like a surfer who has just missed a wave.

'That's not going to get you very far.' Multi sounded like a stern father figure now.

'Maybe not but I and others like me have been getting other strange dreams recently, and other things have been happening.' Jell now looked serious too.

'Really?' Multi now looked like a therapist believing his patient was about to typify a certain theory.

'Yeah? Feelings of being washed up..' Jell fixed Multi's eyes, 'Not washed up like an old hippy after too much LSD but actually lifted out of the watery realm itself. It may have actually happened to some of us. Many of my relatives have gone way out yonder and never come back.....'

Washed up, way out yonder. It all started to make sense, at last the other dumb organisms were starting to give intelligent feedback. Multi felt like he'd graduated from a small town highschool and found himself in Harvard. Here was a sense of boundaries, perhaps now the big bang was about to happen. Perhaps the biggest thing since he'd left the slimey walls of the swamp for the big
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Avatar Nexus
Posted 01/10/08 - 7:19 PM:

At a boundary then; we've all been there, on a human scale, where was yours? A marriage, an educational rite of passage, a split with a girl or boy, a religious awakening, who know's? Well this went on well before you ever gazed up and wondered, this went on in pre-history when those organisms were busying around fixing things up so we could be. It's a jolt yeah? Not God and his angels whirling around in their pre destined vacuum willing we poor sods into being but Multi, yeah, Multi, Jell, Coral, Seaweed and all their ways, hanging around for ages not really giving a damn for more advanced organisms. Well, there was Multi.

Multi was always different. It always takes one of those types doesn't it? Perhaps you were the kid (I know I was) who always knew that school was a regime for nitwits way back, that somehow WE were more than that, better than that, but how can you put it into words. Well you can't, that takes university perhaps, and all that, and then maybe you still don't get it, go and work for ABMAMRO and forget there is something else you can never give words to but it exists. Shall we name it human ? Perhaps, but all that is human seems not human enough. It's an over used word. Therefore, are we the Multicellular beings I'm getting at, resisting stable regimes, always calling to the future, always demanding more? We stand still most of the time but have we not overcome enough to place us somewhere unique in the order of things? More than evolutionary freaks banging at the door of a self imagined divinity? I leave the answer to you. I also ask you to follow me, as some of you have done, in this silent nowhere corner of the binary electromagnetic eccentricity, which, somehow has begun to intervene in our lives in the most perculiar ways...A new environment like Multi once found himself in? No, of course I go much too far. Yet we are free to dream.....

All Multi knew was that some forefront was unveiling itself; was it in his dreams or had Jell layed a map simply before him and all he had to do now was go with the flow and let the waves carry him a little further to that deciding moment when he and his kind would, dare I say it? Yes, I will, TAKE A BREATH, breathe like you and I. How would it be done?

Multi's still scurrying, yeah, very much like a crab, though he's never developed those breathing skills. Look, one of his little one's is talking; her name is Crabuleyea:

'Dad, I'm bored.' said Crabuleyea, as she manifested after millions of mutations within generations amongst denoted species in the evolutionary scale that has been suggested.

'I know my love..' said Multi. 'It's time we talked about the birds and the bees..'

'Birds and the Bees, what's that all about?' said Crabuleyea frowning.

'Well, actually they don't exist yet, let's call it the onward evolutionary chaotic form that manifests itself in living organisms over vast swathes of time that I now as an individual remnant of that form and given, through a anthromorphic narrative fiction, an ability to speak this whole system in an almost mystical way that now, for you my little one, might make some kind of sense. In other words I'm gonna tell you a story..'

'Go on daddy,' said Crabuleyea. 'I love stories. Is it the one about the Coral and the micro organism?' She was getting excited now.

'No, no, no, no. That's all specifics. Now I want to talk about the general..' Multi was looking serious again like he had with Jell.

'The general daddy?' Little Crabuleyea was now gazing at her father as if he had begun to discuss micro-biology. 'What's that?'

But just before leaping into song he thought twice about it and decided to leave it until she was a little bit older.

The Final Steps.

Tumbling near the edge of something. Old formula for survival giving way. Shallower water, shallower. Many forms of Multi died and got crushed under by sand to a who knows where, possibly fossilisation, probably to be made sand too, desicated into a infinite array of part dispersed in part; form on form, without choice the Multi's wandered toward a horizon point and were lost not knowing how or why the body dared into new torrain. Yet dare it did, and after, perhaps, a hundred years a little crabuleyea would emerge with breathing holes shaped slightly differently, eye sockets a little higher (or was it lower?), new behavioural querks, a little more daring than those that had gone before.

One day.......

A form rolled onto a beach on the edge of a continent somewhere someplace leagues from any configuration of plates known to us. The tide took it up and delivered it, a cute little parcel from evolutions' game. It was kicking hard like a cage fighter in an arm lock and unlike previous versions which lay scattered here and there along that particular stretch of beach it kept on going for hours before stopping. It seemed to move freely for a time in a kind of spasmatic motion, like a mathematics teacher unused to modern music during a sweaty teenage term end disco. This one too died before long, there was no system or method to fall into, no ecological motel to book in at where sustenance and familiarity were assured. No, this form as those before was kicked out the passenger door of the Rig that was Oceanic life onto the harsh verge of an Antartic waste in its underwear.

Again and again for decade on decade until the extended motions extended to a foraging and searchings that seemd to be accompanied with a new kind of BREATHING. Yes, it would seem during temporary land sallies previously a new configuration of organs within the shell had gradually been taking place and now was beginning to kick start and provide the engine for a new kind of creature. All this is sounding so Arthur C Clarke; where the hell is WALT DISNEY?

"What the fuck?" Cried Multi. "I've got one hell of a hang over, where in the Ocean am I?"

All around Multi was an empty expanse of beach and above a blue lifeless sky. Then the sky started to darken, it would seem a storm was approaching (picture the end of Terminator I but without the Jeep, the music would work however....)

"Multi!" cried a booming deep voice that I'm sure is already suggesting something to you all too unsubtlely. "This is God."

"God?" answered Multi, in the same hung over state of mind. "I'm sorry, are you a friend of Jell?"

"Multi, I understand you are only a relatively simplistic lifeform but try and imagine a form of being without a body, existing outside space and time which has intimate connection with all your creaturely life." God sounded like a male British news reader (I'm sorry I'm sticking to the paternal myth for now) turned up full volume talking to a naughty child.

"Look, I feel like shit." Multi wasn't in the mood to be lectured to. "If you're going to go on about how diificult it is to survive in this new environment and how I'll never get anywhere I've heard it all before. You know, I think I might just have made a fundamental leap that marks the initiation of a whole new style of biotic life; though I still can't remember what happened last night."

"Look, you say I shouldn't lecture you but you're doing the same.." Gods voice had now lowered and he sounded like a middle management figure now bickering with someone of similar rank. "You've done well for yourself and let me be the first to congratulate you, but you didn't do this all by yourself you know.."

"I didn't?" God had hit Multi right in the pride gentals. "Well that's funny 'cos it sure felt like I was all alone out there; fifty mill in the swamp (or was it one hundred?), another few hundred million in the Oceans. Now, some would say that was playing hard to get if the supposed guiding light behind all this was attending and dictating it all the time!"

"I know, I'm kind of shy." said God quietly. "I was also pretty busy on other areas of the universe, keeping the earth relatively free of collisions with other bodies, doing stuff with the moon and other planets, adjusting the Sun. You know the Sun can be a real arrogant sod for a minor red dwarf star and its completely without consciousness; and thats just this solar system!"

"I don't want to hear this," cried Multi. "I've clearly been landed right in it again and got to get right down to work and I doubt I'm gonna get much help from any quarter.Now, if you've got anything to do with the design process (Multi giggled a little as if he were talking to that same drunken maths teacher at the same term end disco) I wanna tell you about my dream and what you should do next.."

"Go on then," said God, exasperated but seemingly running low on ideas. "I'm all ears."

"Ears?" Multi was confused. "What the hell are ears?"

"Well they're.....never mind.." The exasperation continued. "How did you know about hell?"

"I don't know, but hey, it gets pretty warm down there in the Ocean near those volcanic ducts you know?" Multi sounded like a well travelled trucker discoursing in a roadhouse with a tired barman.

Well anyway, Multi went on to discuss his dream. He had forseen the future of his crabish form millions of years in advance and it didn't look good. Sure, it wore well and seemed to go on indefinately but it was all a seeming dead end. He felt like a middle ranking employee barred from even achieving management of his own department. God assured him that he would be fulfilling an essential role in the overall design and should be happy with his recent leap but Multi was having none of it.

"I didn't come this far to just end up a spider or something!" Multi sounded like an ambitious wife trapped in a two bedroom house in a blue collar nieghbourhood. "You better come up with something or I ain't moving from this stinking beach!"

There was a long pause (it may well have gone on for a number of 'our' lifetimes)

"I'll see what I can do.." God replied.

Isn't it always the same with these management types?
child of the stars

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Posted 01/10/08 - 8:12 PM:

It was quite a long read but I thorougly enjoyed it. Good stuff. smiling face
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Avatar Nexus
Posted 01/11/08 - 7:24 AM:

This evolved day by day on another web site; I don't feel like I wrote it but some kind of 'strange force'. Maybe I am merely a conduit for the unconscious of the internet!
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