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I love the feet

Comments on I love the feet

Zum
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Zum
Posted 08/16/09 - 12:35 AM:
Subject: I love the feet
of those who walked before me

dust motes will not leave off

configuring them


earth recalls their voices

it echoes them behind blue stones

they owned hammers with wood handles

they drank claret throughout mahogany nights


what tenderness behind keen thoughts!

I fancy a search for meaning

through summers of reticent dust

they kept questions away from answers

bare forgotten things engaged them


the smaller pools reflect them

their queries hover yet amid the leaves

answers to these no clay thing knows


see how the forms carome and stir

like swallows overriding fronts of air


they lay in snow fitting chains to tires

intelligent hands held shingles and held pens

their finger whorls remain on coins and keys


I love the feet of those who walked before me

persistent their shapes upon the mind

dust motes will not leave off configuring them
Thinker13
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Posted 08/16/09 - 1:41 AM:

Zum wrote:


dust motes will not leave off

configuring them





what tenderness behind keen thoughts!

I fancy a search for meaning

through summers of reticent dust

they kept questions away from answers

bare forgotten things engaged them


the smaller pools reflect them

their queries hover yet amid the leaves

answers to these no clay thing knows






Comelythumb up



What does 'carome' mean?






Thank You
Zum
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Zum
Posted 08/16/09 - 9:45 AM:

Thank you

To carome is to strike something and bounce off. zen
Zum
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Zum
Posted 08/16/09 - 11:00 AM:

I'd love some feedback on this poem. You can rewrite something so many times that you can't see it any more, you know?
Thinker13
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Posted 08/16/09 - 11:29 AM:

Zum wrote:
Thank you

To carome is to strike something and bounce off. zen



Welcome,it was an additional 'e' perhaps,due to which I inquired.
libertygrl
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Posted 08/17/09 - 2:07 AM:

hi zum,

on occasion i find myself wanting to acknowledge the untold stories of individuals who throughout history have helped to shape existence as we know it now; this poem reminds me of that. not all of it helps me connect or relate to my predecessors though, so i don't feel a fully cohesive sense about the things that you, the poet, or the narrator, are relating to through the poem. for example, with regards to the following phrases:

they kept questions away from answers
bare forgotten things engaged them
the smaller pools reflect them
their queries hover yet amid the leaves
answers to these no clay thing knows

i'm having trouble understanding what they're describing, for example what it means to keep questions away from answers or what things may be reflected in smaller pools. if i were take the approach of considering it as i would while interpreting a dream, which i often do with art, because creating art is very much like dreaming, and vice versa, then i would have to give it some extra contemplative thought and inquire of the context which shapes it in order to reach a better understanding of what it expresses.

"persistent their shapes upon the mind" is something i can very much relate to, and it makes me think of lingering archetypes, and how i conceive of reincarnation (which is not in the traditional sense).

smiling facelib
Thinker13
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Posted 08/17/09 - 2:19 AM:

on occasion i find myself wanting to acknowledge the untold stories of individuals who throughout history have helped to shape existence as we know it now; this poem reminds me of that.



A thinker said at once that Prophets and Messiahs like Jesus,Buddha,Mohammad,Zarathustra and Moses etc belong to the second step of ladder of human history . The best and most important ones who contributed uniquely to shape the human history,have remained unknown. They came and they went away,tathagata.




Thank you
smokinpristiformis
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Posted 08/17/09 - 8:31 AM:

Wonderfully poetic idea. Strong images. As far as I can tell, it's also quite strong in the use of the english language - beautiful choise of words. whee

The one critic I might have, if you really really insist, which has to do with my personal preference and bias, is a slight lack of rhythm. When reading or writing a poem, I try to 'hear' what it would sound like and I couldn't always make it come together. That's just me, of course. smiling face

Besides, it's quite perfectly ok if you don't give a *hum* rat's arse about rhythm or any rigid structure. Maybe you intentionally took a loose approach. Anyway, if it's good enough for you, that's all it ever needs to be. The fact that we like it also is an extra. smiling face

Edited by smokinpristiformis on 08/17/09 - 9:32 AM
Zum
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Zum
Posted 08/17/09 - 3:57 PM:

Thank you, all of you. And I agree...heart

The unclarity is there because the poem is about several different things.

When Keith, my father, was dying, I was impressed by the uniqueness of the shape he cut in the air--so to speak--which, upon his passing, would, theoretically, be gone. One of the lobes of my brain simply did not get this. For this lobe it did not compute.

He kept questions apart from answers: there were some philosophical questions he examined all his life; he never arrived at a conclusion. I think that, for him, the questioning, the mystery, was what was real. Concluding would catapult him in with a crowd who have answers, but who never inquire.

In a sense, he had the characteristics of his generation of men--they did a lot of things with their hands. He took photos with the old equipment, tied knots, whittled, made stuff out of wood, metal and glass, fixed stuff, remodeled interiors, put chains on tires. He belonged--you might also--to a sort of man.

He was into life. I imagined dust motes trying to reconfigure him; his image showing up insistently, mischievously in pools, something behind the rocks speaking in his voice.

Thinker: right on!

The rhythm. Thank you for pointing that out. I wrote it over and over, trying to get the rhythm right, but... Well, when, each time you read a poem after letting it sit, you notice a rhythm flaw, and fix it, and then see another one the NEXT time...the rhythm is in trouble. So, yeah. I didn't want heavy syncopation, of course, just an even throb and flow. Dylan Thomas could do it in his sleep, the creature. "In my craft or sullen art exercised in the still night where the lovers lie abed with all their griefs in the arms I labor by singing light...smiling face




smokinpristiformis
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#10 - Quote - Permalink
Posted 08/18/09 - 1:26 AM:

Zum:

Your poem is a very personal one. Depending on why you wrote this, it doesn't have to be clear to us. The most important audience for this poem about your father is you, so there you have it. smiling face


By the way, it would not be right for me to make any sort of value judgement of your father, but from this poem speaks your appreciation and love for him. I imagine him to have been a great man. I am sorry you have to miss him.



Zum wrote:

The rhythm. Thank you for pointing that out. I wrote it over and over, trying to get the rhythm right, but... Well, when, each time you read a poem after letting it sit, you notice a rhythm flaw, and fix it, and then see another one the NEXT time...the rhythm is in trouble. So, yeah. I didn't want heavy syncopation, of course, just an even throb and flow. Dylan Thomas could do it in his sleep, the creature. "In my craft or sullen art exercised in the still night where the lovers lie abed with all their griefs in the arms I labor by singing light...smiling face



The-trick-is-sim-ply-to-count:
1-2-3-4-5-6-7
In-my-craft-or-sullen-art
1-2-3-4-5-6-7
ex-er-cised-in-the-still-night (you have to 'hear' it. "cised"/"cis'd" only counts for one)
1-2-3-4-5-6-7
where-the-lo-vers-lie-a-bed ("where"/"wher'" only counts for one)
1-2-3-4-5-6-7
with-all-their-griefs-in-the-arms
1-2-3-4-5-6-7
I-la-bor-by-sing-ing-light
1-2-3-4-5-6-7


Cheers. smiling face


All the things that you can do
1-2-3-4-5-6-7
by adding or removing
1-2-3-4-5-6-7
an article or maybe two... nod
1-2-3-4-5-6-7

Edited by smokinpristiformis on 08/18/09 - 1:36 AM
Zum
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Zum
#11 - Quote - Permalink
Posted 08/18/09 - 11:52 PM:

Thanks, smokin. (I thanked you already, but for some reason it has not come up on the thread.) I think that what I need to do is hold off on writing anything down until I've got the rhythm. My practice has been to get some words and hope that the rhythm can be teased into them. Sometimes this works, sometimes it doesn't. Ideally, the words sort of make a deal with the rhythm as the poem begins to come about.
smokinpristiformis
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Posted 08/19/09 - 2:28 AM:

Ach, weeell, ya know..
I cannot say that my grasp of poetry is anything but meagre. I wouldn't want to tell anyone else how to write..
Just sharing my thoughts is all. smiling face
Thinker13
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#13 - Quote - Permalink
Posted 08/19/09 - 7:57 AM:

Zum wrote:
Thank you, all of you.



Welcome.
Thinker13
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#14 - Quote - Permalink
Posted 08/19/09 - 7:57 AM:

smokinpristiformis wrote:
I cannot say that my grasp of poetry is anything but meagre.



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